Past two weeks worn me out totally, lots of work, lots of work at home as well,just stress and stress plus health was depleting.. Well! Feeling much better now. As I looked at the clock and rushed for office on Monday morning i wanted to begin the week well. I quickly hurried down the busy road also swimming across a stream of vehicles which moves downwards one by one. I wait for the vehicles to slow down a little to be able to cross. So I managed and survived the river, next I need to get one for myself. Now as I was racing through the crowd my vision was quiet blur though i could see people see vehicle see the road and everything else but it was not like my 6\6 vision I enjoy. I was thinking to myself ‘my pressure must be too low , I must be feeling dizzy “I might collapse too” “shall I return home” just when my mind was talking to me one man shouted the name of my destination and I in reflex action got in his public vehicle. Two more people got in and they were suppose to go half way mine. So the man stopped his vehicle for them and they got down and were paying the driver. While all this was going on I was looking out to see if am better and I was still the same so I reached for my specs so that I can wipe it a little and I realised I have left them at home on the table just next to where I was feeding my baby his baby food and he was trying to pull my spectacles so I opened and left it there and well that was the reason for all my dizziness. Well! I did a mini laughter show at myself and reached office without my 6/6 eyesight but 6/6 wits. The over reacting mind.
I am not saying am a workaholic but yes am a mom.. A workaholic mom. Many a times people especially ladies have asked me, ‘oh!! You must be really strong for being able to leave your baby at home’ or I hear them say ‘how stone hearted can some mothers be, I can’t leave my baby for even a minute’ . Well I have completely no objection you wish to stay at home and give your child love and care. I am really glad some mothers are able to do it but the fact is I too love my child immensely and you cannot question my ability to love cause I go to work.
In animal kingdom as well it is observed that mothers leaves their young ones in search of food and to built a better shelter. Well!! In human world we have a judgement mechanism of a good and bad.. I don’t think so any animal think bad or good about another. One can even argue and say for man are superior we have the ability to think and judge good from bad. But isn’t it nice in animal world for a ‘mutt’ will bark at you if it doesn’t like you and waggle its tail if it likes you as for my fellow humans I have no comments.
Also going back to my point I chose to work, I go to work each day, I get groceries , I do heavy brainstorming about what to make for breakfast, lunch and dinner, I decide what to make for Riaan that will be nutritious and sumptuous as well as new for his developing taste buds, I plan for his future like any other mom would. And my job is his happiness. That’s my biggest job and achievement. I feel so proud when I come from work and he wants to hug me and come to me. My entire day is made. Am not underestimating a dad’s duty. Am sure all try very hard. Am just saying I am not “stone” am a mom and I struggle, I fail, I succeed, I smile, I laugh, I cry but whatsoever I try. My family is helping in raising my child in whatsoever way they can and supporting me. And I really thank my family and friends for being so understanding and still accepting me even if I hardly could say a proper ‘hello’ . I am blessed to have met all the right people in my life.. My neighbours are even taking out time to go check on my son in my absence. God is wonderful. You all a a blessing in disguise.
It is said “eyes are window to the world” but for me it’s a different story for now ‘the window is my eyes to the world’ . its been days as I stare outside from my window and try to see as much as I can see of the world, the furthest my sight takes me that is the extend of the world for me. The small coniferous forest test my vision and add a touch of green and that is the furthest I can go. A little nearer are small chirping creatures and I am so grateful to them as they are music to my ears. On a good day the clear sky from the glass pane paints blue everywhere and yet again I see thundering rain with its own beauty making a strike of light in once the blue sky. As far as my vision goes I can tell a new story. This is my world for now, seems small but there is so much to tell.
Colors so bright and pretty
Won’t you stay a while, won’t you brightened life
Wait!! Please don’t go, didn’t I tell you ,I love you so;
Colors so bright and pretty, let joy be thine and mine
The plain white paper was filled with color
But years go by, and they fade for a while
I am bright no more, am I still pretty though
Colors I say, Yes!! You will always remain in me:a memory
“Ummm.. I am feeling quiet low, feeling sad, feeling sorry for myself, feeling extra irritated”
I keep hearing all this accompanied with another short conclusion they come up with “I am depressed” . Being diagnosed as “Depressed” and thinking that the temporary feeling of sadness or extreme anger is Depression is so wrong. When someone who is going through a rough phase of his/her life and say such things to me I simply hear and usually add just an affirmative “ah! Yes”. But to speak my mind, I feel they are so imbecile.. Do they even know the meaning of Depression? Do they know what a Depressed person go through? Worst!! what their family go through.
To be depressed is like being tormented by any physical disease sometimes more terrible than that, it sometimes look like a demonic possession but to see your loved one going through it is another story. Depression is like darkness. The family is a living nightmare each time the depression hit the person suffering, the mental trauma caused to the family is indescribable. The Family is left shattered and the horrific situation leaves a permanent mark in the mind of the little ones around.
TBH, someone very near and dear to me was depressed. When I was small I blamed her and wished it will be over soon, I did think as she grows older she will be wiser and I too will. But I grew and she was left behind, she is still her previous self now. Sometimes I did curse , I did cry, I did weep a little inside and mask my face with the most beautiful smile so that people see a brave me. Wow! Look at her she has gone through so much yet she chose to be happy. But seldom people see the real me, seldom I tell them what is wrong with me. I too feel being engulfed in the same emptiness that she showed me. Its like she led me to this direction. Her violent nature made me a dormant volcano almost getting ready to erupt ,that I fear someday it might not only end me but it will cause more damaging consequences to the people I value a lot-my family.
But I try, I talk to myself, I tell myself- you have to be a better person, don’t let your demons out. At some weak moments I have lost myself to that monster. Its like a constant fight with myself to stay sane and not lose myself and my most motivating factor is my son and my mentor and guide is my husband. Every time I feel depressed and I feel like am losing myself, he shows the way, he talks to me, he listens to me, he actually does. I feel a sense of being heard and I feel I can carry on with life. Life is beautiful. Darkness exist and I cant defy that but ‘YES’ light exist too. We will always have another day to be better, to change, to redeem oneself.
Learn to forgive and you will be forgiven .
Each day is a learning.
It was a busy bustling day at the market, my eyes were not window shopping but looking for my dear husband.. It started to drizzle a little ,I started to get a little anxious as I couldn’t find the person I was looking for . As people started deserting the streets and taking shelter because by the looks of it it might pour. As I was walking below the footpath and very few people were racing before me I could visibly lay my eyes on him now, to my surprise I saw him with another lady , Yes!! Another lady, with long , artificially straightened(ARTIFICIAL) hair, giving her an umbrella, rather holding the umbrella for that “princess” , yes that’s what ran in my mind at that time. I was walking a little faster by now, her friends came along with more umbrellas on the path way giggling and busting in smiles and that’s when I noticed that he was holding her left hand by his right and was slightly lifting her to the pathway above her which was just a few centimetres high which even a small child would easily manage to climb without any help. By then I quickened my pace and all hell broke loose , all kinds of emotions started rumbling over me: anger, bitterness, sadness, you name it and I shall accept it, but these were only symptoms of a greater disease called “jealousy”.. With my rampant the weather added THUNDER; the street was empty and I stormed towards my husband and woke him up and he in his half shut eyes was totally in sleep amnesia.. As I woke him up to confront him , he innocently said to me what has happened my dear, and that was when I realised I was dreaming. I muttered in embarrassment as he went back to his deep slumber.
“You can throw spears at your partner. Or you can explain why you’re hurt and angry, and that’s the kinder path”. Yes!!! This is so true, all you need is a little understanding and communication but many a times we forget this simple saying worth remembering. We accuse, we threaten, we argue and we fight or at times just show a cold shoulder at our spouses instead of of enlightening them as to the reason behind our anger or hurt. Am sure any rational human being specially people we love in our life will get our point of view and in turn we might also get to know the reason of our anger and channelize it much productive way where we can build relationships and not break it. The modern world is all about shortcuts, we want everything easy and the most easy way out is making a mental block and just blabbering out point and to be very honest I’m also guilty of this crime and have committed it many times but as i ponder over it when I re-evaluate myself I come across my faults, many of us here also make another mistake is they don’t recap their mind, if we do so we get many directions that would have resulted in much positive solution with out partners. What this will do according to me is that even if all the spears where used by us to fatally wound our partner we can at least go give a healing touch. Relations are fragile and we need to take proactive steps to make it healthy.
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