People tell me that I write well and am being modest about it. But I have never or could never put into paper how I feel about the love of my life. He for instance was quiet intriguing to me. I could have never imagined to have known such a beautiful human being that I could so earnestly trust. Okay! Enough of me… Let’s get into the interesting topic.. Lets talk about my husband. Our love story is quiet ordinary, we met, we talked ,we hated each other well I was the flag bearer of the hate brigade and to be honest I was also the bridge, so we fell in love (I fell like many many miles deep to the centre of the earth), we got married and now we have a super amazing family with a small new member who has occupied the rest of our heart and life. Sorry again.. Let’s talk about my husband only him.. This person I adore love and respect say a thousand times myself. If I have to give a character sketch of him it will be like this: my husband is the best person in the world for me, what I like and adore about him is his simplicity, he is as simple as am amoeba, no pretence,no being fake, no buttery gluttery* words. He doesn’t know at all how to flatter anyone with a lie, he is direct and to some it might come as rudeness but this is the way he is and this is what I love about him. Yes! I do correct him time and again; be a little sensitive towards how others feel but he is always bluntly direct. I have chided him many a times for his this weakness of being bluntly honest with just anyone.
I rethink his words and everything he says or does and I find it cute. I have known I can’t live without him. He is my strength “Jane kyu dil janta hai, you are there than I will be alright” I will always be alright.
I speak a lot with him I tell him actually train him as to what to tell me so that I feel good but truth is I like him for he being how he is.. Yes! P.s hug me more when I cry for even silly things(I would want that) but tbh he is not good with expressing his love,you can’t flatter people just for sake but what he does is even more special he treats people right. You treat me right, your action speaks miles for you. When you wake up, letting me sleep to take care of our dear child- that is love, when you come late from office and seeing me a little angrier than usual you give a small peck in my check melts my heart away, your warm embrace to say good morning even if rare but whenever you do that I feel my morning is brighter. I always tell you that I love you but I don’t know if I have done enough to prove it. Let’s go to my weakness that is jealousy and possessiveness; I see long list of do’s and don’t s every now and than saying these are a negative emotion, I beg to disagree, I feel so strongly for you and this that I say or feel is nothing in comparison to that and this so called ‘negative’ emotion is my full right.. Come on people I would not get all jealous and possessive about whom Ranbir Kapoor is dating or what kind of comfort zone is he sharing with his XYz’s.. But he is my very own heart and I trust him but its just that I don’t trust others intention. Again here i am still ranting negative emotions in full swing. I just wanted to tell the whole world how amazing my hub is and how special place he has in my heart. I will always love you my darling. To be in love is this and I am so glad I am in love with the right person.
Past two weeks worn me out totally, lots of work, lots of work at home as well,just stress and stress plus health was depleting.. Well! Feeling much better now. As I looked at the clock and rushed for office on Monday morning i wanted to begin the week well. I quickly hurried down the busy road also swimming across a stream of vehicles which moves downwards one by one. I wait for the vehicles to slow down a little to be able to cross. So I managed and survived the river, next I need to get one for myself. Now as I was racing through the crowd my vision was quiet blur though i could see people see vehicle see the road and everything else but it was not like my 6\6 vision I enjoy. I was thinking to myself ‘my pressure must be too low , I must be feeling dizzy “I might collapse too” “shall I return home” just when my mind was talking to me one man shouted the name of my destination and I in reflex action got in his public vehicle. Two more people got in and they were suppose to go half way mine. So the man stopped his vehicle for them and they got down and were paying the driver. While all this was going on I was looking out to see if am better and I was still the same so I reached for my specs so that I can wipe it a little and I realised I have left them at home on the table just next to where I was feeding my baby his baby food and he was trying to pull my spectacles so I opened and left it there and well that was the reason for all my dizziness. Well! I did a mini laughter show at myself and reached office without my 6/6 eyesight but 6/6 wits. The over reacting mind.
I am not saying am a workaholic but yes am a mom.. A workaholic mom. Many a times people especially ladies have asked me, ‘oh!! You must be really strong for being able to leave your baby at home’ or I hear them say ‘how stone hearted can some mothers be, I can’t leave my baby for even a minute’ . Well I have completely no objection you wish to stay at home and give your child love and care. I am really glad some mothers are able to do it but the fact is I too love my child immensely and you cannot question my ability to love cause I go to work.
In animal kingdom as well it is observed that mothers leaves their young ones in search of food and to built a better shelter. Well!! In human world we have a judgement mechanism of a good and bad.. I don’t think so any animal think bad or good about another. One can even argue and say for man are superior we have the ability to think and judge good from bad. But isn’t it nice in animal world for a ‘mutt’ will bark at you if it doesn’t like you and waggle its tail if it likes you as for my fellow humans I have no comments.
Also going back to my point I chose to work, I go to work each day, I get groceries , I do heavy brainstorming about what to make for breakfast, lunch and dinner, I decide what to make for Riaan that will be nutritious and sumptuous as well as new for his developing taste buds, I plan for his future like any other mom would. And my job is his happiness. That’s my biggest job and achievement. I feel so proud when I come from work and he wants to hug me and come to me. My entire day is made. Am not underestimating a dad’s duty. Am sure all try very hard. Am just saying I am not “stone” am a mom and I struggle, I fail, I succeed, I smile, I laugh, I cry but whatsoever I try. My family is helping in raising my child in whatsoever way they can and supporting me. And I really thank my family and friends for being so understanding and still accepting me even if I hardly could say a proper ‘hello’ . I am blessed to have met all the right people in my life.. My neighbours are even taking out time to go check on my son in my absence. God is wonderful. You all a a blessing in disguise.
It is said “eyes are window to the world” but for me it’s a different story for now ‘the window is my eyes to the world’ . its been days as I stare outside from my window and try to see as much as I can see of the world, the furthest my sight takes me that is the extend of the world for me. The small coniferous forest test my vision and add a touch of green and that is the furthest I can go. A little nearer are small chirping creatures and I am so grateful to them as they are music to my ears. On a good day the clear sky from the glass pane paints blue everywhere and yet again I see thundering rain with its own beauty making a strike of light in once the blue sky. As far as my vision goes I can tell a new story. This is my world for now, seems small but there is so much to tell.
Colors so bright and pretty
Won’t you stay a while, won’t you brightened life
Wait!! Please don’t go, didn’t I tell you ,I love you so;
Colors so bright and pretty, let joy be thine and mine
The plain white paper was filled with color
But years go by, and they fade for a while
I am bright no more, am I still pretty though
Colors I say, Yes!! You will always remain in me:a memory
“Ummm.. I am feeling quiet low, feeling sad, feeling sorry for myself, feeling extra irritated”
I keep hearing all this accompanied with another short conclusion they come up with “I am depressed” . Being diagnosed as “Depressed” and thinking that the temporary feeling of sadness or extreme anger is Depression is so wrong. When someone who is going through a rough phase of his/her life and say such things to me I simply hear and usually add just an affirmative “ah! Yes”. But to speak my mind, I feel they are so imbecile.. Do they even know the meaning of Depression? Do they know what a Depressed person go through? Worst!! what their family go through.
To be depressed is like being tormented by any physical disease sometimes more terrible than that, it sometimes look like a demonic possession but to see your loved one going through it is another story. Depression is like darkness. The family is a living nightmare each time the depression hit the person suffering, the mental trauma caused to the family is indescribable. The Family is left shattered and the horrific situation leaves a permanent mark in the mind of the little ones around.
TBH, someone very near and dear to me was depressed. When I was small I blamed her and wished it will be over soon, I did think as she grows older she will be wiser and I too will. But I grew and she was left behind, she is still her previous self now. Sometimes I did curse , I did cry, I did weep a little inside and mask my face with the most beautiful smile so that people see a brave me. Wow! Look at her she has gone through so much yet she chose to be happy. But seldom people see the real me, seldom I tell them what is wrong with me. I too feel being engulfed in the same emptiness that she showed me. Its like she led me to this direction. Her violent nature made me a dormant volcano almost getting ready to erupt ,that I fear someday it might not only end me but it will cause more damaging consequences to the people I value a lot-my family.
But I try, I talk to myself, I tell myself- you have to be a better person, don’t let your demons out. At some weak moments I have lost myself to that monster. Its like a constant fight with myself to stay sane and not lose myself and my most motivating factor is my son and my mentor and guide is my husband. Every time I feel depressed and I feel like am losing myself, he shows the way, he talks to me, he listens to me, he actually does. I feel a sense of being heard and I feel I can carry on with life. Life is beautiful. Darkness exist and I cant defy that but ‘YES’ light exist too. We will always have another day to be better, to change, to redeem oneself.
Learn to forgive and you will be forgiven .
Each day is a learning.