“Ummm.. I am feeling quiet low, feeling sad, feeling sorry for myself, feeling extra irritated”
I keep hearing all this accompanied with another short conclusion they come up with “I am depressed” . Being diagnosed as “Depressed” and thinking that the temporary feeling of sadness or extreme anger is Depression is so wrong. When someone who is going through a rough phase of his/her life and say such things to me I simply hear and usually add just an affirmative “ah! Yes”. But to speak my mind, I feel they are so imbecile.. Do they even know the meaning of Depression? Do they know what a Depressed person go through? Worst!! what their family go through.
To be depressed is like being tormented by any physical disease sometimes more terrible than that, it sometimes look like a demonic possession but to see your loved one going through it is another story. Depression is like darkness. The family is a living nightmare each time the depression hit the person suffering, the mental trauma caused to the family is indescribable. The Family is left shattered and the horrific situation leaves a permanent mark in the mind of the little ones around.
TBH, someone very near and dear to me was depressed. When I was small I blamed her and wished it will be over soon, I did think as she grows older she will be wiser and I too will. But I grew and she was left behind, she is still her previous self now. Sometimes I did curse , I did cry, I did weep a little inside and mask my face with the most beautiful smile so that people see a brave me. Wow! Look at her she has gone through so much yet she chose to be happy. But seldom people see the real me, seldom I tell them what is wrong with me. I too feel being engulfed in the same emptiness that she showed me. Its like she led me to this direction. Her violent nature made me a dormant volcano almost getting ready to erupt ,that I fear someday it might not only end me but it will cause more damaging consequences to the people I value a lot-my family.
But I try, I talk to myself, I tell myself- you have to be a better person, don’t let your demons out. At some weak moments I have lost myself to that monster. Its like a constant fight with myself to stay sane and not lose myself and my most motivating factor is my son and my mentor and guide is my husband. Every time I feel depressed and I feel like am losing myself, he shows the way, he talks to me, he listens to me, he actually does. I feel a sense of being heard and I feel I can carry on with life. Life is beautiful. Darkness exist and I cant defy that but ‘YES’ light exist too. We will always have another day to be better, to change, to redeem oneself.
Learn to forgive and you will be forgiven .
Each day is a learning.